


coming clean

by scatteringmyashes



Series: Picking Up The Pieces [5]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Misgendering, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25363195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scatteringmyashes/pseuds/scatteringmyashes
Summary: A duo of deaths, a couple confrontations, a handful of haircuts, and one life changing surgery —This is the story of the creation of Felix Fraldarius.****Trans Fire Emblem Week 2020, Haircut + Friends + Free Day
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Picking Up The Pieces [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575832
Comments: 17
Kudos: 151
Collections: Fire Emblem Trans Week 2020!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've been working on this for an embarrassingly long amount of time. It kept growing and getting more monstrously large so I ended up cutting it in two and jumped on the opportunity to post it for Trans FE Week. 
> 
> Content warnings for deadnaming, misgendering, dysphoria attacks, family issues, and just a rough time. Felix is referred to by his deadname for the first few sections but after that there's only a bit of misgendering. Which sounds bad, but it's brief. Things get better!
> 
> Recommended listening: coming clean by Green Day (Pierce the Veil cover)

Glenn Fraldarius died when he was nineteen. There wasn't enough of a body left to bury. There would be an empty coffin in the plot next to Asphodel Fraldarius. 

Felix Fraldarius had not yet been spoken into existence. The being who lived in his skin was referred to as Elise. She was tired. She was so tired. 

The car ride home from the funeral was quiet. Rodrigue gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. Elise stared out the window. It was beautiful outside. Glenn would have loved it. She felt like she was going to be sick. 

The house was quiet when they pulled up. Rodrigue didn't ask if Elise wanted anything. He didn't complain when she walked into the house with her shoes on. He didn't seem to be looking at her. His eyes were blank as he made his way upstairs. Elise felt like tearing the coat rack down. Instead, she went to her room. 

She flicked the light on and winced. The blinds were pulled tight. Her bed was unmade. Her homework was scattered across her desk. Rodrigue should be chiding her for being messy. Glenn should be teasing her for struggling with math. 

Glenn should still be alive. 

Elise blinked. She looked at a picture that sat on her dresser. It was from her last birthday —  _ Thirteen! You're a teenager now. Gonna help make Dad's life hell, right? _ — when everyone had come to visit. Dimitri was there, shyly smiling at the camera. Sylvain had an arm thrown over the two of them. Ingrid made a peace sign with one hand. Miklan and Glenn were at the back. While Glenn was grinning ear to ear, Miklan had a slight smirk, like he knew something the rest of them didn't. 

Glenn had promised to teach her his fancy fencing parry. He didn't have the chance. He never would. 

The sound the glass made when the frame fell to the ground was soft. Elise didn't know what she expected. She hated it. 

Picking it up, the frame wasn't even damaged. There was a crack in the glass, but nothing ruinous. She could take it to the store and get it fixed, but she knew she'd probably just throw it away. No point keeping it when the picture was plastered in Ingrid's room, in Dimitri's room even. Maybe even Sylvain, for all his bluster, was sentimental enough to keep a copy. 

Rodrigue didn't hear Elise leave her room and he didn't hear Elise go to Glenn's closed door down the hall. She stared at the door. It stared back. 

The door opened with a whisper. 

Elise breathed in deep. It smelled like cheap deodorant and leather and a strange musk, almost like hair just wet out of the shower. For a guy, Glenn always had long hair. Elise would tease him about it. She never could quite stand growing her hair longer, would usually chop it off right after her shoulders. 

It was stuffy. Glenn's room had never felt stuffy before. 

His things were exactly where he had left them, neat and tidy except for his video games and the mess pushed under his bed. He was supposed to go back to college after a short fall recess. He was supposed to compete later that month. He was a shoo-in for gold in his event. 

Glenn's extra gear was still in his gym bag next to his bed. His old leather jacket was hanging off the back of his desk chair. With cautious hands, Elise reached out. Her fingers wrapped around the leather. She was surprised, for some reason, that it felt cold. 

Elise felt bile in her throat. That didn't stop her from wrapping it around her. She pictured Glenn messing her hair up like older brothers tended to do —  _ Hey, bean sprout, you gotta be this tall to fit this jacket. Maybe next year  _ — and teasing her when she cried from frustration. 

She didn't want to cry, but she could feel the tears coming. Her hair fell in front of her face and it felt like it was mocking her, like it was a reminder that she had something Glenn never would have again. She could grow her hair however she wanted. She could practice fencing and grow taller and learn how to drive all by herself. 

The idea made her miserable. 

She blinked. One moment she was in Glenn's room, the next she was in the bathroom with scissors in one hand. 

Elise stared in the mirror. Someone else was staring back. 

Hair was strewn across the counter. Glenn's jacket was heavy on their shoulders. The light made them look pale. Tears were running down their face. They looked like some kind of degenerate, like a madperson. They frightened Elise. She didn't know what to do. 

"Elise? What are you—" Rodrigue opened the door. He looked at her. Elise's tears broke into full sobbing. Her entire body shook. The jacket felt like a mockery of Glenn’s hugs. 

Rodrigue had a disappointed expression on his face. 

The scissors made a soft clatter as they fell on the tile. 

****

The summer of Elise's sixteenth year of existence — the last summer she ever would have — they all went to the movies. That is, Sylvain invited Ingrid and Elise to the movies along with a few other kids from his year. He wasn't actually supposed to be spending time with friends — Mr. Gautier was  _ very _ upset when Sylvain flunked out of three classes and would now be repeating the last year of school — but the day Sylvain listened to his father was the day the world ended. 

"Just be home by dinner," Rodrigue said when Elise announced she was spending the afternoon with friends. "Tell Sylvain and Ingrid I said hello." 

She hated being so predictable. 

"Who is meeting us there?" Elise asked, fiddling with the air conditioner. Her bangs fell in her face — she would need to get a trim soon. A pixie cut was nice and all, but she hated having to get it cut practically every month. 

"Ingrid. Few guys from speech and debate. I don't know if you've met them." Sylvain scratched his chin. He was trying to grow a beard, but he couldn't manage it yet. Elise had yet to convince him to shave it off. Ingrid had restarted to insulting him every time she saw him. 

"Hey, Elise. Hey, Shaggy," she said when they walked up to the theater. 

Sylvain clutched his chest. "Your words strike my heart!" He looked at Elise. "Tell her she's wrong." 

"You look homeless," Elise replied. Ingrid laughed. Sylvain rolled his eyes and muttered something about how girls never understood. 

The trio waited for Sylvain's other friends to join — Joshua and Inigo, two guys Elise didn't know well except for the time Inigo had asked Ingrid out on a date and been turned down in the middle of the lunchroom. With the group united, they went to buy tickets. Elise went after Sylvain, pulling out her wallet.

"Hi, one ticket for the same," she said. 

The attendant, an older man in thick glasses, chuffed. He rang up her purchase, took her card, and then slid the ticket back to her. 

"You're an awfully soft-spoken young man," he said. "I almost thought you were a girl." 

Baffled and more than a little embarrassed, Elise just nodded and then joined up with Sylvain. He regarded her with a raised eyebrow. She scowled and slugged him on the shoulder. Sylvain yelped. 

"What was that for?" He asked. 

"Don't look at me like that," she said. Elise wrapped her arms around her waist. Her stomach churned. Her heart kicked like a faulty motorcycle engine, kicking back and sputtering as it bellowed out black smoke that swirled in her lungs and threatened to make her devolve into a coughing fit. 

It wasn't anxiety. It wasn't even unpleasant. It was the mortifying sensation of being seen. 

"Hey, we're gonna get popcorn," one of Sylvain's friends said as he walked over. 

"You owe me food," Ingrid reminded Sylvain. He held up his hands and said some crap about how he didn't have any extra cash on him. The group, tickets purchased, started heading inside. Despite the argument, they ended up in line for concessions. "You have a credit card!" 

"Yeah, but it's my dad's—" 

"You've been making excuses for weeks to get out of paying me back," Ingrid argued. She gestured at Elise. "Tell Sylvain how much of an idiot he is."

"You're an idiot," Elise parrotted. "I'm gonna go pee." 

She left them bickering, their tones more or less friendly and echoing up against the expanse of the theater's cavernous ceiling. She did go to the bathroom. She resolutely did not look in the direction of the men's restroom. 

****

Sylvain stood across from the person who was almost Felix, eyes bright in the afternoon's light, half-covered by the shadow of the school building that they lingered by. At this rate, almost-Felix's piano tutor would mark him as late again. Sylvain probably had something that he was missing, but he had never really cared for timeliness. 

"What's up?" Sylvain asked. "You need my advice about something? Have a crush on someone and want to know how to ask him out? I'm better with girls, but I'm sure I can give you some tips—"

"Shut up," Not-quite-Felix snapped. He tucked his hands under his armpits. His jacket hung loose over his chest. It was Glenn's. No one had the heart or courage to tell him that he probably needed to stop wearing it. 

The look on Sylvain's face adopted something akin to quiet amusement. It was a good farce, one that his friend knew too well to be distracted by.

"Okay, what's going on?" Sylvain tucked his hands in his pockets. "You look like you're going to be sick." 

Words swirled around, each getting stuck in his throat before almost-Felix could enunciate them. He opened his mouth and closed it several times. He huffed. Someone honked their car horn and yelled for their kid to get in. The wind blew across the parking lot, the early fall chill nipping at their heels. 

_ He’s going to hate you, _ something cruel whispered in his head. 

_ Is that worse than living like this? _ He asked it. 

"I want you to call me Felix," he said. He met Sylvain's eyes, refusing to allow shame or fear to hold him back. "My name is Felix." 

"Okay." Sylvain hesitated. He started to reach out, then stopped. "Like, around everyone?" 

Felix breathed for the first time in his life. 

Then he realized what Sylvain had asked. He frowned. It left a deep furrow in his brow. He wrapped the jacket around him a bit closer, as if it could swallow him up and hide him from the rest of the world. Sylvain’s eyes were warm but they were too much. Felix’s skin crawled.

“I don’t know. I haven’t told anyone else.”

“Oh.” Sylvain blinked. “No one else?”

“Yeah.” Felix rubbed at his chest. His lungs ached.  _ He’s going to turn on you. He can’t use you anymore. Can’t use you like all the other girls. He’s going to leave you. _ “Don’t you — aren’t you going to say something else?” 

Sylvain shrugged, ignorant to the thoughts in Felix’s head. “Should I say something else?” 

“I — I don’t know.” Felix had played this over in his head so many times. He had expected anger. Confusion. Hate. He didn’t know how to handle this. “Aren’t you — don’t you have questions?”

“I’ll get answers eventually. You never share more than you’re ready for no matter how much a guy asks. Why would I try my luck now?” Sylvain’s face shifted. “You’re still my friend. You’re just Felix now.”

To his abject horror, Felix began to cry.

“Aw, come here.” Sylvain put his infuriatingly long arms around Felix and didn’t complain even though Felix was definitely getting snot all over him. “It’s okay. I’m still your friend.” Sylvain patted his back like Felix was five and crying because he hadn’t gotten enough sleep or his favorite stuffed animal was in the wash. It was embarrassing. It was humiliating, actually. Felix wanted to push him away. He did no such thing.

“This — this sucks,” Felix grumbled, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. Sylvain laughed.

“I know that you’re too old for hugs, but that’s a bit harsh.”

“Not you,” Felix corrected. “Just — ugh.” His insides felt hollow. He felt wrung out, run over. He could barely breathe underneath the layers that he had piled on. There was relief, of course, but it just felt like the looming spectre of everyone else, everything else, was threatening to consume him. 

Sylvain poked him in the side. Felix yelped. He glared at Sylvain, who held his hands up innocently. 

  
“You were thinking too hard.”

“One of us has to,” Felix bit back. He stepped out of Sylvain’s space, rubbed more at his eyes in a desperate attempt to get the red out, and glared out in the distance. The sound of the football team practicing floated over from the fields. A few cars drove by. Somehow, it still felt completely silent. 

“I—”

“Syl—” Felix snapped his mouth shut. 

“You first,” Sylvain said. Felix shook his head. Sylvain rolled his eyes. “You’re a stubborn ass.” 

“You’ve gotten slapped by every girl in the school,” Felix shot back. Sylvain rubbed his jaw as if remembering the pain. “You go. What did you want to say, Gautier?” The name came out harsher than Felix meant. He didn’t take it back and Sylvain didn’t expect him to.

“Thanks for telling me, Felix. I — I promise I won’t screw it up.”

“You’re welcome.” Felix didn’t expect him to keep the promise. “I’ve got to get to piano.” Neither of them moved. 

The wind whistled through Felix’s ears. With the gust, Felix’s hair almost seemed as short as Sylvain’s. 

“It’s too nice to be inside. Wanna grab something to eat and sit at the park?” Sylvain offered. He gestured back towards the parking lot where his car — technically only supposed to go from home to school and back again — was waiting. 

Felix snorted. “What are we, twelve?” He ignored the flash in Sylvain’s eyes. “You’re paying. I just came out. You owe me.”

Sylvain’s laugh twisted up in the air. Felix felt himself breathe a little easier. 

****

It was stupid, really. Something that he should have expected, especially with the history between them. There was no getting around the fact that Rodrigue had never really adhered to the concept of privacy. He should have prepared. He should have hidden his history. He should never have assumed that he could get away with such blatant research without Rodrigue finding out about it.

Felix was still blindsided when his father sat him down and, a serious expression on his face, asked why Felix was looking up information about hormone therapy and phalloplasty and binders. 

For a moment, Felix considered lying. He considered throwing a fit, changing the topic to something chaotic enough that Rodrigue would drop the subject. But then what? How long could Felix put this off? What would he gain by continuing to lie about who he was?

Maybe, for once, being honest would be the solution to his problems. Maybe he could be vulnerable without it being a mistake. 

“Are you thinking — do you think that you want to do these things?” Rodrigue asked. 

Felix raised his chin and looked his father in the eyes.

“Yes.” 

Rodrigue frowned. He looked down at his hands. Felix stared at him. His eyes burned. His bottom lip trembled. He had to bite on it to stop it. He was surprised he didn’t draw blood. 

“Why?” Rodrigue’s voice was soft. There was no indication of his emotions. Felix didn’t know whether to be happy or scared. He settled for optimism. 

“Because I want to be a guy.” Felix swallowed. “I — I am a guy.”

Rodrigue stood up from the couch. He started to pace back and forth. Felix felt like he was tied in place. His limbs wouldn’t move even if he asked. Everything was heavy. He could feel himself start to withdraw, start to float, and he desperately tried to anchor himself in the moment. 

His nails cut into his palms with just enough spite to keep him grounded. It was a close thing. 

Rodrigue shook his head.

“No, you — you don’t understand. You’re just dealing with high school. Stress. It happens to girls. Everyone did always say that you needed a mother…” Rodrigue trailed off, lost in his own thoughts. His words sunk in Felix. His stomach was a black hole and it would consume him. “Girls deal with puberty differently than boys. Everyone knows that.”

“Dad—”

“Is this because of Sylvain? He’s always filling your head with stupid ideas. I knew he was trouble. Or is it Ingrid? She cut her hair.” Rodrigue wrung his hands in the air. Felix couldn’t move.

_Stupid, stupid._ _You’re such an idiot._

“I knew I should have put you in therapy after Glenn died. You never were the same after he died.”

_ What were you hoping for? You can’t just keep your stupid mouth shut. _

“Your mother would be so ashamed. I don’t know where I went wrong. Why do you feel like you need to mutilate yourself—”

“This is who I am,” Felix shouted.

“No, it is not,” Rodrigue snapped. He glared at Felix, who froze. “You’re confused.” 

_ Why do I even try? _

“Go to your room.” Rodrigue crossed his arms. “We will talk more about this at dinner.” When Felix didn’t move, Rodrigue pointed towards the hall. “Your room. Now. And give me your phone. I — I can’t trust you on the internet without supervision, so you don’t get the internet.” 

Felix could feel his eyes wet. He stood and hid the way his hands were trembling by tucking them under his armpits. 

“But—” His voice broke like he was a toddler. He felt like a child. He felt three feet tall and like he had just broken his mother’s vase. He felt like Rodrigue was looming over him, even if they were three feet apart. "I just—" 

“We will talk about this later.” Rodrigue waited for Felix to take his phone out and yanked it from his hand without blinking. There was no argument. There was no use in talking to someone with a heart surrounded by stone. Felix knew this well. 

It was a Fraldarius family trait, after all. 

Felix went to his room. He slammed the door behind him, a brief flash of satisfaction rising before it was crushed by the torrent in his chest. He slid down the back of his door before crumbling, curling in on himself. He held his head in his hands, felt his mere existence heavy on his shoulders and his body weigh too much all around him. He felt trapped. 

He thought about taking the screen off his window, about running away. He thought about going to Ingrid’s, but she would never understand. He thought about Sylvain’s, but his father would never allow it. He thought, bitterly, about hitch-hiking all the way to Dimitri’s, but they hadn’t spoken in almost a year. Felix wasn’t even sure where Dimitri lived anymore, only that it was too far and that Dimitri wasn’t even the same person.

Then again, neither was Felix. 

It felt really, really pathetic to cry alone in his room. He didn’t know if Rodrigue could hear him and was just ignoring him or if Rodrigue was in his own space, on the other side of the house, still trying to figure out where he had made his mistakes. Felix knew where his were. He shouldn’t have told anyone in the first place.

Unbidden, Sylvain’s stupid face floated to the foreground of Felix’s thoughts.  _ He’s probably disgusted by you, _ Felix thought.  _ He's probably waiting for you to realize what a mistake this is.  _

_ They’d all be better without you, _ Felix realized. 

He sat there for a very long time. His thoughts were only disturbed when Rodrigue knocked on his door and told him that dinner was ready.

“Not hungry,” Felix said.

“Then you will sit and watch me eat.”

The two of them sat on opposite ends of the table. Rodrigue had ordered pizza. Felix’s favorite, even — meat lover’s with extra cheese. He wasn’t hungry, but the look on Rodrigue’s face forced Felix to take a few bites. He wondered if this was what eating cardboard felt like. 

The only sound was that of chewing, swallowing, and contemplation. Felix wanted to talk about it, but he also never wanted to open his mouth again. In the end, as so many things were, it wasn’t his choice. 

“I made a call. You have an appointment with a therapist this week.”

“Fine.” 

Rodrigue looked pained, but Felix didn’t care. He didn’t know if therapy was supposed to solve his problems, but he didn’t think anything could. No matter what Rodrigue put him through, it couldn’t be any worse than what was in Felix’s head.

“Can I ask you some questions?” 

Felix nodded. He ripped a chunk out of his pizza with his teeth, chewed with his mouth full and his eyes on the wall behind Rodrigue. It still hurt too much to look the man in the eyes. 

“Are you… unhappy with yourself?”

Swallowing a hive full of bees would have been a more pleasant experience than trying to choke down food at the dinner table. Felix pushed his plate away. Rodrigue’s frown deepened. Felix gestured towards his room.

“I have homework.”

“You can do it later.” It was the first time in his life that Rodrigue had ever told Felix to do his work another time. “Are you… Is this rebellion?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Felix crossed his arms, only that made him acutely aware of his chest. He settled for placing his arms on the table, one on top of the other. 

Rodrigue leaned forward, elbows on the table and fingers laced together. “I’m trying to understand.” He kept trying to look Felix in the eyes, but Felix was good at avoiding that sort of thing. 

“I don’t know what you don’t get. I want to be someone else.”

“But you are such a wonderful young woman.” Rodrigue frowned. “Are you depressed?” 

Felix shrugged. 

“Are you anxious?” 

“Are you my therapist?” Felix asked.

“I am your father.” Rodrigue sat back again. “I know we do not talk much about your feelings, but… This is very drastic. You don’t have to make these changes for people to like you.”

“I’m not doing this for other people,” Felix said, barely able to muster up a whisper. 

Rodrigue looked like Felix had just announced that the sky was pink and pigs could fly. Felix tried to put his words in a coherent order, couldn’t even get his mouth to open any further than it already was. He had the uncomfortable sensation of dangling hundreds of feet above the ground by a single thread and Rodrigue was the one with the scissors. 

“It’s just — it makes me happy. Being a guy.” He finally drew his eyes to Rodrigue’s. “I want to go by Felix.” 

Silence. Rodrigue picked up his pizza. He took another bite. Felix could hear his heart beating out of his chest. Finally, Rodrigue finished chewing. He swallowed. He laced his fingers together.

“I think I understand now. I have been an idiot. You do not need to replace Glenn, Elise. You are a very beautiful young woman. I know that there are changes that happen as you get older, and perhaps I have not been the most receptive, but I will do better. I was stupid to try to raise you like I would a son. This is my fault.” Rodrigue wiped his hands on a paper napkin. It tore in half. He folded it up before slipping it under his plate. 

Felix felt a mounting dread. Something tore in his throat.

“I miss Glenn. You know that. But you don’t need to be him.” Rodrigue stood. “Glenn left us too soon.” 

_ Glenn was the perfect son.  _ It was one of the few things Felix remembered from the funeral. It was, of course, a complete lie. 

“You don’t need to change to make me happy, Elise. I love you just the way you are.” Rodrigue smiled. “I’ll clean up the rest of the food. Go ahead and finish your work.” 

Felix was numb as he stood. He just nodded and went to his room. The noise of the sink tap and the clattering of plates could still reach his ears even this far away. There wasn’t anyone else in the house. It was always just him and Rodrigue. He barely felt like he counted.

He felt like he was floating. Nothing hurt but nothing was real. 

_ I never should have said anything. Never should have let anyone know. What a stupid, stupid mistake.  _

****

Ingrid was the first one to ask. 

“Why  _ Felix _ ?” She said one day during lunch. Felix looked at her, trying to see if she was serious. "It doesn't have anything to do with your old name," she pointed out. 

"I like it," Sylvain said. He was finishing homework for math, the textbook in front of him precariously balanced between Ingrid's empty Tupperware and Felix's still unopened sandwich. "I think it's neat." 

"I'm not saying that I don't like it," Ingrid clarified with a frown. "I just want to know why  _ Felix _ ." 

"I just thought it worked," Felix lied. He played with the fringe on the sleeve of his jacket. It was warming up and soon it would be unusual to wear so many layers. He wasn't sure what he'd do — he had a few old bandages from fencing injuries, but was he desperate enough to try that even with all the warnings online? 

He knew the answer to that. He knew he should buy a binder. He also knew that Rodrigue would metaphorically kill him if he found it. 

Ingrid gave him a funny look, her nose scrunched up as she considered pushing the topic. Sylvain sling an arm over her shoulder and the moment was lost as she instead turned her attention to him. 

"Finish your homework," she said, "or do you want to flunk calc again?" 

"I'm fine," Sylvain laughed. "I've still got the rest of lunch to do it." 

Felix was unsurprised when he did not finish it, instead dicking around and teasing Ingrid like they were toddlers again. 

****

The truth came out several days later while Sylvain and Felix did their best not to get caught texting during study hall. There were a few people talking and the teacher looked as bored as Felix felt. Still, it took too much effort to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth and say, 

"It means lucky." 

Sylvain raised an eyebrow. Felix felt his face burn and could only hope it wasn't too visible. Knowing his track record, it probably was. 

"My name. Felix. It means lucky." Felix waited for the other shoe to drop, for Sylvain to say something about it being stupid or wishful or anything else demeaning. 

Instead, Sylvain smiled. 

"I like it. Fits you." Sylvain didn't say anything else about it. 

Felix wished he believed Sylvain — he didn't feel very lucky, that was all.

****

Despite Felix’s best efforts, he was still in a text thread between Sylvain, Ingrid, and the shell of Dimitri. It was how he heard about  _ Ten Swords _ and, after that went defunct,  _ Fire Emblem _ . Dimitri was very insistent that this was a better game. 

_ Dimitri: it has lots of options. i think that you guys would like it. we could play together. you could talk with dedue. _

_ Sylvain: idk man I’m just not into video games, you know???  _

_ Ingrid: Yeah, same. But I am happy that you like it!  _

Felix didn’t reply. He usually didn’t. 

The game had a ten day free trial and then it was ten dollars a month. Felix didn’t have his own credit card, but he had memorized Rodrigue’s and there was no way he’d notice the extra charge. If Felix even kept playing. He wasn’t going to play for Dimitri — he just wanted something else to do with his free time. 

_ Because you have so much of that, _ he thought as he sat down at his laptop. 

He created an account that night. When it asked for a username, he stared. He decided to skip that portion and go down to the other character options. 

Gender was a no-brainer. There was zero chance he'd willingly play a girl ever again. He was surprised, though, when he got to choose things like hair and eyes color. He even got to pick from different hour options and even facial hair. 

The full beards looked weird, but he decided to give himself a bit of stubble. 

That still left the name. Felix had used variations of his initials before, but that felt… insincere. Besides,  _ fe_10  _ was hardly interesting — it was a good email when he was ten, maybe, but not for a video game. 

He looked around his desk for inspiration. There wasn't much. His homework. A few pens. His phone. The name tag from a college visit, his old name crossed out and replaced with FELIX in bold, capital letters. An empty plastic water bottle. A silver medal from his last fencing competition. 

The answer, as they tended to do, was staring him right in the face. 

_ Felix: lucky_strike _

_ Ingrid: What? _

_ Sylvain: Are you okay???  _

_ Dimitri: added.  _

_ Felix: I am not playing to join you. _

_ Dimitri: you get a 5% exp boost if you play with friends.  _

_ Felix: Whatever.  _

****

"You okay?" Sylvain said, frowning at Felix. He pat Felix's back hesitantly, like he would get burned if he kept his hand there too long. 

The only person burning up was Felix. He felt like his lungs were slowly getting crushed and he could see spots swimming in front of his eyes. Still, even as the rest of the P.E class ran ahead of them, Sylvain waited as Felix gasped for air, bent over like he had run a marathon. If their teacher had questions, she didn't say anything, just watched from the other side of the racetrack. 

"You know, running really is the worst," Sylvain kept rambling, as if he didn't complain about just about everything under the sun. Felix knew he was only taking this class because his alternatives were study hall — which wasn't any fun since the teachers really cracked down on using cell phones — or band. 

And Sylvain, for his many talents, would not be winning any awards for his saxophone playing. 

But even though Sylvain didn't seem to enjoy much and never really talked to Felix about anything that wasn't girls or parents related, he still stood there and rambled until Felix finally straightened up. Sylvain shut his mouth fast enough that there was a  _ snap _ . 

"You want me to get you some water or something?" Sylvain asked. Felix glared at him. 

He rubbed his forehead with the sleeve of his T-Shirt, making a face at the ensuing sweat stain. He was a little less light-headed, but he still didn't look forward to continuing the run. He put up a token protest as Sylvain pulled him to the side. The two ended up under the pitiful shade from the bleachers, their classmates barely casting them a glance as they ran by again. 

"Does that happen a lot?" 

Felix shook his head. 

"Is it because—" Sylvain hesitated before motioning to his chest. Felix gave him an exasperated look, as he didn't complain about Rodrigue refusing to get him a binder. As if his hack job at binding didn't cause him to feel like his back was a tightly wound string that was likely to snap at any point. Sylvain held his hands up. "I'm just asking," he muttered. 

"I'm fine. Let's get back before the teacher yells at us for slacking." Before Felix could jog away, Sylvain grabbed his wrist. "Let go of me, asshole." Felix yanked himself free, though he didn't miss the flash of  _ something _ in Sylvain's eyes. 

"Yeah, no problem." Sylvain followed Felix, worrying his bottom lip but saying nothing else. 

**** 

_ [theboarprince has created a group with ofduscur, lucky_strike, knightedfreya, and not_house_gaudy]  _

_ [groupchat] theboarprince: i have received an invitation to take over the blue lions guild. i was wondering if any of you would wish to join, if i were to do so.  _

_ [groupchat] knightedfreya: I would be interested! Would it just be us?  _

_ [groupchat] ofduscur: I am already in the guild with you.  _

_ [groupchat] theboarprince: i think that the older members are leaving, yes. they seem to be joining another guild that is being created.  _

_ [groupchat] not_house_gaudy: I am totally down!!! sounds like a good time ;)  _

_ [groupchat] knightedfreya: Yeah, I think it would be fun too!  _

_ [groupchat] knightedfreya: What about you, Felix?  _

_ [groupchat] lucky_strike: I thought I told you all that I want nothing to do with the boar.  _

_ [groupchat] knightedfreya: Felix don't be like that.  _

_ [groupchat] theboarprince: it is fine, ingrid. if felix doesnt want to interact with me, that is his right.  _

_ [groupchat] lucky_strike: Huh, at least someone around here listens when I talk.  _

_ [groupchat] not_house_gaudy: Felix, dont you want to talk???  _

_ [groupchat] lucky_strike: No.  _

_ [groupchat] ofduscur: Felix may do as he wishes. I see no reason to force him into the guild. _

_ [groupchat] knightedfreya: You can always join later, if you want.  _

_ [groupchat] lucky_strike: I won't, but thanks.  _

_ [lucky_strike has left the group]  _

****

Usually Felix and Rodrigue got home and Rodrigue went to do whatever it was parents did in their free time while Felix started his homework or studying. He knew that he had to keep his grades up, had to be a good enough student in order to go to a good school far away from here. Besides, it was the best way to avoid his father. 

It only became worrisome one night, when Felix realized it was seven o'clock and Rodrigue hadn't shouted that dinner was ready. 

_ Just get something from the kitchen _ , he told himself as he stood.  _ There's still leftovers or something _ . Or he could make pasta or a sandwich. He wasn't totally helpless in the kitchen, no matter what the others joked. 

He made his way to the other part of the house, squinting in the darkness — there was a light on in the living room, a single lamp casting a pale yellow glow over the leather sofa and asburd rug, but that was it. Felix stubbed his toe on a corner as he turned towards it, swearing as a pinprick of pain shot up his nerves and through his limbs.

The only reason he noticed that Rodrigue’s light was on was because he had to stop and rub his foot, and leaning against the offending wall gave him a great view of Rodrigue’s open door. 

The light spilled out across the tile, a single dark inkblot shadow stark in its impression. If the angle was correct, then Rodrigue wasn’t standing. He was kneeling. 

Despite himself, Felix crept closer. 

“— would have done better,” Rodrigue was saying. It sounded like he was on the phone, because no one was replying. There certainly wasn’t anyone else in the house other than Felix, who was trying to keep his breathing as quiet as possible. “I don’t know where I went wrong. She was such a bright and happy girl… But people don’t just  _ change _ like that.” 

There was an ever-present pit in Felix’s stomach that wound up tight, filled with bile and acid and every nasty word or turn of phrase he could summon up. His therapist said that it was normal to have, but that what mattered was what he did about it. 

_ Once something is out in the world, you can’t take it back. _ Maybe that was why Felix stood there, eavesdropping on his father rather than picking a fight. 

“Everyone always said that it would be hard to raise two children alone, but Glenn was always such a good kid… Bull-headed like you, but kind… brave… And the two of them were so close… No child should have to deal with so much loss.” Rodrigue sighed. “A girl should have her mother. I need you, Asphodel. I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

Suddenly, Felix wanted to be anywhere but there. 

He didn’t bother sneaking down the hall, footsteps slapping against the floor as he went back to his room. He slammed the door behind him and convinced himself that he wasn’t crying. If Rodrigue noticed, he didn’t bother him all night. 

****

_ [Conversation with not_house_gaudy] _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: hey Fe whats up???  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: Grinding.  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: Shouldn't you be studying? We have a test tomorrow.  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: shouldnt YOU be studying lol  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: I'll be fine. My dad doesn't get pissed if I get a B.  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: uh huh whatever you say xD xD xD  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: a bunch of us are actually gonna run some raids do you wanna join???  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: What poor idiots have you dragged into playing this game with you?  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: i guess Dimitri knows someone who plays so the three of us plus Dedude are gonna grind!!!  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: Isn't his name Dedue?  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: yeah but its his nickname!!!  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: Whatever.  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: look, you dont have to like the dude but whatever happened cant be that bad??? like this is Dimitri were talking about he cant even hurt a fly… _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: None of you understand. That is not the same person we became friends with. He won't get help and so I don't want to be around when he inevitably implodes.  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: I'm not telling you to choose between me and him. I'm just warning you about what will happen.  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: wouldnt the best thing be to watch him close up???  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: like i think youre wrong but like… if you gotta watch out, why distance yourself???  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: idk im not asking you to be friends with him if you really feel that bad about it, but like… you play the game so much and you dont have a guild… _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: Hah, and you and Ingrid say I'm the one obsessed with the game.  _

_ [whisper] lucky_strike: I am not joining the guild, but I'll raid with you tonight. I'm not listening to the boar though.  _

_ [whisper] not_house_gaudy: deal.  _

_ [End of conversation with not_house_gaudy]  _

****

Felix was unamused when Sylvain pulled him aside, promising that he'd make it worth it but not telling him anything other than it was worth being late to fencing for. There wasn't much that Felix valued over fencing. It was the one thing his father still seemed interested in, other than being nosey about his therapy sessions, and it was something he was damn good at. 

There seemed to be very little he was good at, come to think of it. 

Still, when Sylvain actually begged Felix to talk to him, even Felix couldn't be mean enough to turn him down. They hadn't been friends since childhood for Felix to do him dirty like that. 

"This better be quick," Felix said. "If I piss off my coach, he's gonna make me go back to practicing with the girls." 

Sylvain opened his mouth and Felix quickly clarified, 

"I mean, I don't know that for certain, but he — he keeps looking at me and I just know it." Felix swallowed, reminding himself what happened the last time he got hysterical.  _ Like some fucking girl. Ugh. You're better than this, Fraldarius. _ He brushed some hair out of his eyes. "So? What's up?" 

For a dreadful moment, Felix thought Sylvain would push it. Then Sylvain just dropped his backpack and pulled out a package. He held it out to Felix. The label was vague, but it was from a company that Felix knew well.

He had stared at their website, considering the merits of getting Ingrid or Sylvain to help him, many long nights. His pride had stopped him every time. 

"It's, uh, not much and if it doesn't fit you I'll get you another one, but… I figured that you could use it." Sylvain laughed weakly. "I dunno. Is this what a good ally is supposed to do?"

"Are you doing this for ally points?" Felix half-snarled. 

"No — sorry, that came out wrong. I meant, is this what a good friend is supposed to do?" Sylvain scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. "I didn't know if you'd want one in color, so it's the closest I could get to your skin tone. I hope that's okay." 

But Felix still couldn't bring himself to grab it, even though every logical bone in his body was screaming at him to just take it. Sylvain couldn't use it. Sylvain wouldn't have gotten it if he thought it would be a problem. It was a gift, freely given. It just… it just… 

"Why?" Felix asked, barely able to force the air through his teeth. "Why would you do this?" 

Sylvain frowned. "I'm sorry. I upset you, didn't I? I really am the biggest idiot." He laughed without a spark of humor. "I can return it and we can pretend this never happened." 

"No—" Felix would be embarrassed about it later, but he snatched the package from Sylvain. He held it close to his chest. "I was just surprised. You act like an idiot so much… nevermind." 

Eager to ignore the weight of a conversation, Felix tore the package open. The binder was wrapped in plastic which he pulled away with ease. True to Sylvain's words, it was a sandy tan color, just a few shades lighter than Felix's actual skin tone. He wouldn't be able to tell until he actually put it on, but it looked like it was the perfect fit. 

Sylvain rubbed the back of his head. His elbow was all scratched up — he said he had been skateboarding with his friends and fell bad, which tracked with how his hands had looked like crap for a few days. He really was the most clumsy person Felix knew. Why he had done fencing for years was an absolute mystery. 

"Will it work?" Sylvain whispered. Felix gave him an unimpressed look. "Dammit, I guessed wrong, didn't I? I can get one with better sizing or a different color or — or something." 

"It's perfect, idiot." Felix wanted to slug Sylvain in the shoulder. He settled for a hug instead. Sylvain was tense at first, then relaxed when he confirmed that Felix wasn't trying to injure him. "Thanks." 

Sylvain rubbed his back, arms wrapping around Felix in a way that Felix didn't want to identify too clearly. 

"Of course, Fe. You're my best friend. Us guys gotta look out for each other." 

****

_ sorry, last minute change — grounded, _ Sylvain’s text read. Felix felt his heart drop out of his chest. He tried texting Sylvain back, but he couldn’t even think about the right thing to say. Felix, despite multiple opportunities, couldn’t drive somewhere without a car. The only way he could get a car out of thin air was if he asked his father. If he tried to get a ride from someone else then he’d almost certainly be late. 

His appointment was in an hour. It would take at least forty minutes to drive to the courthouse — and they did not like it when someone was late. Felix had read horror stories online about judges using any reason to deny a name change. He liked to think that his area would be fine, that Faerghus had progressed past those days, but he didn't  _ know _ and the mystery was killing him. 

Felix stared at his phone as Sylvain sent a few frowning emojis. He resisted the urge to throw his phone across the street. 

A car drove by, the driver probably wondering why there was some kid sitting on his porch with a file of paperwork in his lap. Felix wouldn't blame them. He felt like an idiot. He felt like crying. He felt like he was so close, but everything was collapsing around him.

The front door opened. Rodrigue looked down at where Felix was shaking. He rubbed at his eyes, glaring at his father. 

"What do you want?" Felix snapped. 

"What are you doing?" Rodrigue asked, expression unwavering. 

"Nothing," Felix lied. Rodrigue looked at the folder on his lap. Felix pulled it closer to him, a stab of terror running through him. "Go away." 

"What are those papers?" 

"Nothing. Homework." Felix crossed his arms. "I don't want to talk to you." 

"Felix." Rodrigue frowned. He was serious because he only used Felix's name when he really wanted to get something across. "You can talk to me." 

_ No, I can't, _ Felix wanted to snarl. He thought about his therapist and what he was  _ supposed  _ to say. 

He sighed. 

"Sylvain was going to drive me to but he's grounded so he can't go anywhere. I'm going to miss my appointment and the judge is going to remember — I'm never going to get approval for this and then I'm going to go to college and it's all going to be under the wrong name and—" 

"Felix, breathe." Rodrigue knelt down next to him. He placed a hand on his back, his palm hot to the touch. Felix gulped down air. "What are you going to see a judge for?" 

"What do you  _ think _ ?" Felix buried his head in his hands. "I'm eighteen. I don't want the wrong name on everything anymore. I don't want it hanging over me like some fucking curse. But I know you don't agree so I'm sure that you are happy to hear that everything isn't working out." 

Rodrigue sighed. Felix kicked at the ground, a long scuff mark appearing on the side of his sneakers. He waited for his father to leave, like he always did, to go sulk in his room or whatever he did when he was angry at Felix. 

Rodrigue stood and tucked his hands in his pants.

“When’s your appointment?” 

“An hour.” Felix started fidgeting with his phone. Maybe he could ask Ingrid to drive him there? As long as he could get to the courthouse, he could walk back for all he cared. He just had to get there first. 

“It’s a forty-five minute drive,” Rodrigue commented. 

“Yes, I know.” Felix ignored the texts that Sylvain kept sending. He’d deal with him later — Sylvain was never too beat up for long. His emotional state was like a rubber band if you asked Felix. “I’m going to — I’m going to get someone else to drive me or — or something.” 

“Come on.” Rodrigue stepped back inside the house. Felix ignored him, not sure what he meant, only to be confused when Rodrigue reemerged with shoes on and his car keys in one hand. “If we leave now, we should get there with time to spare.”

Felix stared. “You want to drive me? To get my name changed?” 

“If I don’t drive you now, you’ll just end up going later. I don’t agree with this, but I won’t let you do something even more foolish to have it done.” Rodrigue hummed. “Besides, it can always be changed later if you decide you’ve made a mistake.” 

For the sake of not pushing his luck, Felix decided not to comment on that. 

He stood on unsteady legs, still certain that this was some kind of dream or trick. He half expected his father to haul him to some kind of institution, but no, they were on the highway and making good time. There wasn’t any traffic, thankfully. Felix wasn’t sure his nerves could handle that. 

Rodrigue hummed along to the classical music that played, following the gentle sound of flutes and oboes and other woodwinds. For once, Felix didn’t mind it too much. 

Thy were stopped at a red light when Rodirgue said, 

“May I ask you something?” 

Felix shrugged. “Sure.” He told himself not to get angry. He wasn’t sure why Rodrigue was doing this, but he shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. He should accept that, sometimes, he could be a little lucky. 

“Are you changing your last name?” It wasn’t the question Felix expected. Rodrigue continued. “I suppose it’s too late for me to really say anything about it, but… I would ask that you keep it, if nothing else because you are the last of the Fraldariuses — or you will be, once I die. Which, admittedly, I hope won’t be for a while.” Rodrigue grimaced. 

“You’re being morbid, Old Man,” Felix told him. 

“I suppose you’re right.” Rodrigue fell silent as he resumed driving. They were pulling into the parking lot by the time he finally added, “I just like to think that you are always my… child. If nothing else.” 

Felix didn’t really know what to say about that. 

“Thanks for the ride,” he muttered. He got out of the car and slammed the door behind him. Rodrigue didn’t follow him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! We are getting into SPOILERS for All The King's Men, and this also references Wave Your Flag High. If you've read those fics, no worries! If not, you might want to check them out for additional context. 
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy!

Felix caught his father watching him inject T the first time he did it over winter break, one semester of college behind him and feeling a whole lifetime away from the first time he held a needle in his hands. It wasn't the first time he had injected at home, but it was weird. 

In Rodrigue's defense, Felix wasn't exactly hiding. He thought that he was alone in the house, but apparently Rodrigue had forgotten something because suddenly the garage was opening up and he was walking in the living room. Felix was sitting on the couch in his boxers, a needle in his hand and his shirt tucked under his chin. The television was playing some crappy cartoon. 

Rodrigue froze. Felix did too, needle an inch from his skin. 

"I — I can leave," Rodrigue stammered, gesturing towards the door again. 

"It's fine," Felix lied. He didn't know  _ how _ he felt. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be embarrassed, but he didn't want to be. This was just a thing he did. There was no way Rodrigue didn't know that.

But there was also a difference between knowing intellectually and seeing Felix about to stab himself. 

Safely, for what it was worth. Felix was an old hand at this by now. 

"I have a bandaid here," Felix said, gesturing to the box next to him. They were dinosaur themed. Sylvain had gifted them to him. They were definitely made for kids.

Felix liked them. He didn't like admitting that. 

"Right." Rodrigue swallowed. "Do you… do you need sanitizer or something?" 

"One step ahead of you, Old Man," Felix replied. He pointed to the little wipes that he used. 

Rodrigue nodded though he still looked a little uneasy. He opened his mouth, then snapped it shut again. 

Felix waved the needle around a bit. 

"Are you watching or not?" He challenged. Rodrigue actually paled. He didn't respond. 

After a moment, he decided to give up on waiting and just go for it. He readied the needle above his skin, taking in a breath— 

"Do you want me to watch?" 

Felix out a noise that couldn't quite be described as a grunt and wasn't a scream, but it was maybe a bit lower than a shriek. Rodrigue scratched at his chin. 

"I will take that as a  _no_ ." He started to walk off. 

"You don't — I don't care," Felix shouted after him. He didn't come back. 

****

"Do you want something to drink?" Sylvain asked, hovering around Felix's bed. With his bright hair and the gaudy shirt, he resembled a hummingbird. "Are you feeling okay? Do your drains need to get emptied?" 

Rodrigue entered from the living room, drying his hands on a brown towel. 

"You look… alive," he said. 

Felix wanted to say something intelligent or clever, or even just tell his father to fuck off. But his tongue felt heavy and his mind was cloudy and his entire torso ached even with his body being full of painkillers. So instead of anything coherent, he blinked slowly and groaned. 

Sylvain let out a nervous laugh. 

"Understood. Um, Rodrigue, you good if I get some water for Felix?" 

"Yes, I can keep watch." 

_ I don't need you, _ Felix wanted to say. He lifted his hand to flip Rodrigue off, but it took him too long and he ended up giving up. 

Rodrigue sat at the chair that was placed next to the bed. He stared at Felix. At the sheets. At the wall. It seemed like he was looking everywhere but Felix's bandaged chest. 

Felix wasn't surprised, but it had been Rodrigue's seven grand that had paid for the surgery. It would have made more sense for Rodrigue to want to look at what his money had gotten. 

He didn't have enough energy to care that Rodrigue seemed to have some level of buyer's remorse. 

_ If I am paying for this, I am going to make sure that you recover,  _ Rodrigue had explained when he told Felix his plans.  _ I will stay at a hotel. But you will need someone to keep an eye on you and drive you around. _

_ Sylvain will drive me, _ Felix had argued. 

_ And I will stay when he needs to go. _

"How are you feeling?" Rodrigue asked in the present. Felix was coherent enough to try shrugging, but the movement yanked at his stitches and he winced. 

"Fine," he said. "What time is it?" 

"Ten twenty-three," Rodrigue replied, checking his watch. He scratched his chin. "Your drains need to get emptied at eleven. You should drink some water and eat as soon as you feel ready for it. At noon, we should take a walk around the apartment so that you don't get too lethargic. The surgeon also suggested—" 

The door opened and Sylvain returned. He had a glass of water in one hand. 

"Hey, you look more awake," he commented with a smile. He crossed the room in three large strides. The glass went onto the side table. Felix eyed it warrily. "Do you need help?" Sylvain reached out, hand hovering by his side. 

"No." Felix glanced around. "Where's my phone?" 

Sylvain and Rodrigue exchanged a look. 

"I think it was in your pocket when we left?" Sylvain suggested. 

"You had to take it out when you went into the operating room. You gave it to Sylvain," Rodrigue pointed out. 

"Oh, duh." Sylvain smacked his forehead. "It's in my jacket. I'll go get it." Once more, he left. 

Felix wondered if it would be unforgivably rude to ask his father to leave him too. He decided that it probably would be. 

"Thanks," he muttered.

"Hm?" 

"You heard me." Felix eyed his chest. The binder covered what had been done, the tissue was still half-numb, and whatever he  _ could _ feel was nothing but pain. He wondered what it looked like. 

He knew it wouldn't be perfect. There would be scars and blood and there were two tubes stuck in his chest right now. Plus there was swelling and weird coloration and his nipples were probably ugly and sewn onto his chest rather than on there like real ones— 

"Do you want to look?" Rodrigue asked. Felix's head tilted up. "I know the doctor said that you should keep the compression vest on, but I'm sure it won't hurt to take a peak." He sounded like he was trying far too hard to not care, but Felix realized he appreciated it.

"It won't look good," he said. Rodrigue shrugged. "Do  _ you _ want to see it?" 

"I assume I'll see it the next time you go swimming in the pool," he replied. Felix supposed he was right. 

"Well, help me sit up, Old Man." Felix grunted in pain as he was manhandled and, through sheer willpower rather than strength, he managed to sit fully up instead of at a sixty degree angle. The mountain of pillows behind him could have formed a bed all by themselves. 

Rodrigue's hands lingered by Felix's chest. The binder was held together with Velcro. It was an ugly, pale peach. Felix would be happy when he was done with it. 

Neither of them did anything. In the living room, Sylvain shouted something about his jacket being in the car. He slammed the door behind him as he headed downstairs. 

Knowing that they were truly alone in the apartment made Felix's head hurt. That or the meds were finally wearing off. 

He tried grabbing at the edges of the vest, but he couldn't do it. 

"Just take it off," Felix told Rodrigue, "I can't bend my arms." 

Rodrigue waited for Felix to change his mind but, when nothing came, he grasped the binder and pulled it opened 

Frankly, Felix's chest looked like shit. It was splotchy with purple and red. The left side was more bloated than the other, making it look lumpy. The tubes stuck out the side of his torso at weird angles, his nipples were held onto his chest with this black thread, and the cuts themselves were still a bit red and raw. 

"I — I am sure that it will look better healed—" Rodrigue stammered. 

"It's fine," Felix choked out. He couldn't speak. He couldn't explain the relief, the elation, the sheer  _ serenity _ that curled in his stomach and crawled up his throat. "It's fine."

****

_ [guild] ladyofmercy: I uploaded all of my photos to the folder! Thank you, Dedue, for the idea.  _

_ [guild] yum-yum: Oh no I keep forgetting to do that 0_0;;;  _

_ [guild] yum-yum: I will as soon as the raid is over! *^_^* _

_ [guild] [Mod] Byleth: I still have many to go through. I will upload them as soon as I can.  _

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: I would put mine up but theyre just pics of Fe and me lol _

_ [guild] knightedfreya: I want to see those!  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: Yeah, you're our friends too.  _

_ [guild] ofduscur: Am I the only one who uploaded pictures?  _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: Mercedes did.  _

_ [guild] ofduscur: Thank you, Felix, for forgetting that I cannot read. _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: Hahahaha  _

_ [guild] theboarprince: ha _

_ [guild] yumyum: Ahhhh you know what I'm going to go upload my pictures now! T_T""" _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: It was a joke, Dedue.  _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: Has living with Dimitri drained your brain?  _

_ [guild] knightedfreya: Felix, don't be mean. _

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: this isnt mean for Felix, lbr  _

_ [guild] knightedfreya: I guess…  _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: Dedue is a grown man. He can handle it. _

_ [guild] ofduscur: Yes, I can.  _

_ [guild] ofduscur: Can you? :)  _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: I am more than capable of dealing with some teasing.  _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: This conversation is stupid. Can we start the raid yet?  _

_ [guild] theboarprince: if everyone is ready.  _

_ [guild] [Mod] Byleth: I am ready.  _

_ [guild] ladyofmercy: I am too!  _

_ [guild] yumyum: Let's go!!!  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: Are you sure, Annette? You don't want to post your pictures?  _

_ [guild] yumyum: I'll remember! =^_^= _

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: put a reminder in your phone so you will!!!  _

_ [guild] yumyum: Oh, thank you!!! That's a good idea =^_^= _

_ [guild] [Mod] Byleth: The folder was a good idea, Dedue.  _

_ [guild] [Mod] Byleth: I enjoy having the photos from Pride all in one place. _

_ [guild] ofduscur: We so rarely see each other, I thought it best to have a place where we can store the memories. _

_ [guild] theboarprince: yes, we have to hold onto things while we can. not to dwell or be morose, but it is good to be happy in the moment and allow that to be enough.  _

_ [guild] ladyofmercy: I think that's very admirable of you, Dimitri.  _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: Yeah, was that something your therapist told you, or is being engaged just that sappy?  _

_ [guild] ladyofmercy: I wouldn't decry marriage so quickly, Felix. I think we all remember what you said at Pride.  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: Burn!  _

_ [guild] yumyum: LOL =^_^= _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: I don't remember saying anything.  _

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: uh huh… _

_ [guild] lucky_strike: Watch your next words, Gautier. I know where you sleep. _

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: yeah you do ;)  _

_ [guild] knightedfreya: I feel like that's less distressing now that you two are dating.  _

_ [guild] knightedfreya: But please, let's end it there. I don't need any other information about… that.  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: It is a bit like when your older siblings start dating, I imagine.  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: Or when your parents kiss in front of you.  _

_ [guild] not_house_gaudy_3: hey Ashe hows Lin and Cas doing???  _

_ [guild] yumyum: Have you started dating them??? 0.0  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: No! I haven't… Had the right time…  _

_ [guild] ashetreearrows: We can talk about someone else now.  _

_ [guild] theboarprince: im starting the raid in a minute. whoever wants to play the game, get on chat.  _

_ Ding! _

****

Felix was playing a stupid gatcha game on his phone while in bed, using Sylvain as a glorified pillow. Sylvain was reading something, glasses perched at the edge of his nose. One hand held the book and the other, gentle as could be, carded through Felix’s hair. 

It was quiet. The sun was bright, pouring through the half-open curtains. A fan spun lazy circles on the ceiling. 

“Have we decided what we’re wearing to the wedding?” Sylvain murmured. Felix shifted but didn’t respond. “We should figure that out. It’s in two months.”

“I don’t care. It’s semi-formal. They won’t care.” Felix frowned as he failed to pull the character he wanted. Sylvain kissed the top of his head. Felix sighed. “I will think about it. What are you wearing?” 

Sylvain shrugged. “I want to decide with you.” 

“That’s gay,” Felix said without thinking. Sylvain laughed. Felix would be lying if he said it didn’t warm his heart just a little. “I’ll ask Ingrid what she’s wearing.” 

The conversation lulled. Sylvain was still playing with Felix’s hair. It was down — he kept it up most of the time while he was out and about, but when he was at home it was too much of a pain. Besides, Felix knew Sylvain liked playing with it. 

Felix yelped as Sylvain’s fingers caught on a knot. Sylvain kissed him again. 

“Sorry,” he said. 

“It’s fine.” Felix yawned, tossing his phone aside. “What do you want from the burger place?” 

“Are you ordering from the burger place?” 

“I’m hungry.” Felix knew he had eaten just a few hours ago, but a milkshake and fries sounded really good right about now. He still didn’t get up or even retrieve his phone, which would have facilitated that, but Sylvain didn’t call him out on it. 

A moment passed. 

“Your hair’s getting pretty long,” Sylvain commented. Felix shrugged. He might have almost hit Sylvain in the chin, but he didn’t and that was what mattered. “Do you want to get it cut soon?” 

“Maybe.” Felix made a funny face. “Why do you care?” 

Sylvain held his hands up, his book casting a shadow over Felix’s face. “I’m just making comments, Fe.” 

Felix sighed and leaned back against Sylvain. He closed his eyes, trying to count to ten instead of focusing on how his back was warm and how Sylvain smelled like cheap cologne. A moment passed. Two. The sun was warm against Felix’s skin. He wondered if this was what cats felt like. He could enjoy this. 

“Do you think I looked better with short hair?” Felix muttered. Sylvain hesitated. “Rodrigue doesn’t say it, but he thinks it’s weird.”

“I don’t think it’s that weird. It looks good. I mean, I think you look hot either way.” Sylvain put his book down so he could wrap his arms around Felix. There was a bit of squirming, but Felix didn’t push him off entirely. “Your dad’s full of it.”

“Yeah.” Felix sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Okay.” The silence lasted a blissful ten seconds before Sylvain added, “I’m just saying, I think it’s fine. Like, dude’s can have long hair. Glenn had long hair.”

It was probably the worst thing Sylvain could have said. They both knew it. The fact that Felix didn’t immediately storm out of the room was character growth. Instead, Felix pushed himself away, putting a foot between them. He Even turned around so he could give Sylvain the full experience of his glare. Sylvain bit his bottom lip. 

“I meant—”

“I know what you meant.” Felix tugged at his hair, scowling when several strands fell from his head. “I don’t care what Glenn had. Maybe I started this because of him, maybe not. But I’m not Glenn. He’s dead. He’s dead and I’m not. We don’t know what he would have thought about my hair, but it doesn’t matter because it’s mine.”

“I know, Felix.” Sylvain’s voice was soft and sad. Felix knew he’d feel bad about this later, but he couldn’t bring himself to care now. “I’m on your side. I’ve always been.” 

He didn’t try to touch Felix and Felix didn't go to touch him. 

Suddenly, it was as if all the hot air in Felix's body was sucked out. His shoulders slumped. Sylvain kept his posture loose, his hands by his sides. Open. Welcoming. Friendly. 

Safe. 

Sylvain had always been safe, even when Felix didn’t quite know what that looked like. Hell, even when Sylvain didn’t know what that looked like.

“I’m sorry,” Sylvain said. “I shouldn’t have brought him up.”

  
“No, you shouldn’t have.” Felix ran a hand through his hair. It was getting pretty long. “Do you think I’d look better with short hair?” 

Sylvain laughed. “I like it however you like it, Fe.” 

Despite himself, Felix smiled. “That’s the right answer.” 

“I know. It’s the truth.”

Felix knew that. Sylvain had never been that good at lying to him about things like that. 

“Come on, I’m getting us food.” He stood and Sylvain followed. He pulled Felix in his arms and pressed a final kiss to the back of his neck. 

“I love you, Fe. No one else.” Sylvain smiled against his skin. “I’m the luckiest guy to have you.”

“Yeah.” Felix didn’t say anything else. He didn’t have to. Being held — allowing Sylvain to hold him — was enough.

****

He was combing his hair after a shower when he saw it. Silver, thin, barely visible unless he cocked his head one way and squinted. 

A gray hair. 

Oh, it wasn’t the first time that he had seen one. In highschool, they had been legion. In college, it had gotten a little better and by now, he rarely saw them. Something about less stress would do that to a person. 

But there it was, bold and stark against his otherwise jetblack hair. His first in, oh, years. Okay. Maybe just a year. He couldn’t quite remember. 

Still, one was more than enough. 

“Fe, have you seen my phone?” Sylvain called. Felix blinked, remembering that he was supposed to be getting ready for date night. They had tickets to a show that Dorothea swore by and Ingrid had even liked it, and Ingrid didn’t like theater. 

He hurried to finish untangling his hair when Sylvain rounded the door, stopping when he saw that Felix was still shirtless. As he was apt to do, Sylvain openly ogled him, as if this wasn’t something he saw on a daily basis. 

“Hey,” Sylvain said, leaning against the doorframe. Felix rolled his eyes.

“You left your phone in the bedroom charging, I think,” he replied. 

“Thanks.” Sylvain leaned forward to kiss Felix, and Felix actually stepped back. Sylvain frowned, all mirth evaporated. “Is everything okay?” 

Felix ran a hand over his face. “Yes, I — I don’t know why I did that,” he lied. Short of Dimitri, Felix was probably the worst liar in the Blue Lions. Sylvain knew this and just stared. It was long enough for Felix to gather his thoughts, opening and closing his mouth a few times before he confessed, “I found a gray hair.”

Sylvain breathed out. “Is that it? I was worried something had happened.” He went to kiss Felix and this time Felix let him. “I think it makes you look distinguished.” 

“I’m barely twenty-three,” Felix reminded him.

“Yeah, distinguished, not old.” Sylvain grinned, but he must have seen something on Felix’s face because he didn’t leave. “Seriously, though. It’s not that weird. I bet Ingrid’s seen gray hairs and stuff. Didn’t you have a ton in high school too?”

“That’s different,” Felix argued, though he couldn’t quite say why. Sylvain waited. A stab of self-consciousness hit and Felix crossed his arms over his chest. Some part of his brain supplied the information that his scars were nothing to be ashamed about, that Sylvain had seen them more than anyone else, but he had already moved and it would be weird to shift now. “It just is. Do you really want to talk about it?”

“Do you think it has something to do with Dimitri?” 

Felix winced. Sylvain’s eyes softened. 

“We don’t have to—”

“It’s fine.” Felix didn’t like thinking too much about Dimitri and his life. It made him somber and dangerously close to regretting things. As if there was anything he could do to change what he had done for years and years. 

It wasn’t even like Dimitri cared anymore, but… Felix cared. 

“I suppose I have been thinking about mortality more,” Felix conceded. “Like, what am I actually doing with my life? I’m twenty-three and I have a good job, sure, but…” He shrugged. Sylvain nodded slowly. 

“Makes sense. I’ve been thinking about it too.”

“Really?” Felix realized how skeptical he sounded, and he started to clarify when Sylvain laughed. 

  
“I know what you mean. I just—” He waved a hand, “— I guess I just didn’t know if there was a good time to talk about our future.”

Felix raised an eyebrow. Sylvain raised his hands up — a universal sign of surrender, though for once Felix wasn’t looking for a fight. 

“What about our future?” Felix wondered. “Anything that I should know?” 

Sylvain’s smirk returned. He ran his fingers through his hair, somehow not disturbing the perfect swoop of his bangs. 

“Maybe. I’ll let you know as soon as I know.” He reached out and, with some coaxing, took Felix’s hands in his own. Like this, Felix was completely shirtless and hiding nothing. The towel around his hips was snug, but he felt bare with Sylvain fully clothed. “If we didn’t have a show to go to, I’d put on a performance of my own,” Sylvain teased. 

Felix rolled his eyes even as he initiated a kiss, letting Sylvain’s tongue run over his bottom lip. He nipped at Sylvain when he started to get handsy, his palms running down Felix’s sides. 

“If we miss this show, there’s no way Dorothea will let us hear the end of it,” Felix warned him. 

“Yeah.” Sylvain leaned forward, kissing him again. This one was deeper and, well, if Sylvain was keeping his hands above the waist then Felix supposed it was fine. “I know. You’re just irresistible.”

“And you are insatiable,” Felix taunted, but there was no heat in his words. “Go get your phone. I’ll be done in a second.”

“Ay-ay, sir.” Sylvain left Felix with a surprising sense of tranquility. He didn’t let the gray hair bother him again. 

****

Felix hated to fidget, but there he was, messing with his receipt as he took another anxious sip of his coffee. He felt like an idiot, sitting in the corner of the shop, glaring at every mom in athleisure clothes or giggling teenager texting on their phone. When Rodrigue entered and, eyeing the long line disdainfully, made his way to Felix, the glare darkened. 

"You're late," Felix said. 

"There was traffic." Rodrigue took his jacket off, placing it across the back of the chair. "Sorry." 

"Whatever." Felix took another sip. "How long are you in Fhirdiad?" 

"A few days." Rodrigue forced a smile. "It's good to see you." 

"Thanks." Felix squirmed in his chair. He felt like he was sixteen again. "You look the same as always, Old Man." 

"I'll take that as a compliment." Rodrigue's smile was genuine. "It's been too long." 

It had been a while. The last time must have been graduation, which was two years ago. They kept in touch by calling or video chats, but in person was… challenging. Felix didn't exactly want to go back home and Rodrigue genuinely didn't have much time to travel. Rodrigue hadn't even visited when Felix and Sylvain moved apartments, though the moving company he had hired had been pretty nice. 

"May I see?" Rodrigue asked, looking at where Felix's fingers were wrapped around his cup. Felix blushed but held his left hand out. 

The ring wasn't completely ridiculous. Sylvain had to buy it with his own money, after all, and his double major in art history and comparative politics wasn't exactly the most profitable. It was a simple silver band, given with an apology and a humble request for Felix to  _ humbly allow me to be your player two forever, Fe, I love you so much— _

"It's very nice," Rodrigue said. He sounded genuine. Felix pulled his hand back. "Have you settled on a date?"

"Summer. Sooner rather than later." Felix gestured with his other hand. "We don't want to push our luck." 

Rodrigue nodded. "Well, if you want assistance, please let me know. I mean it. Financial, mental, physical — I've helped with many weddings, now. I was Lambert's best man, you know." 

"Yes, I know. You only brought it up for months when Dimitri was getting married." The two of them felt silent. There was a lull at the shop, the crowd slowly dispersing. "What did you want?" 

"Is it so strange that I would want to catch up with my son?" 

Felix shrugged. 

"I am happy to see you. I… also had something to ask, if you were in the mood to endure your father's ramblings." It was vague enough that Rodrigue could be referring to any number of things. Felix decided that he was in a good mood, despite the tension that lingered in his shoulders. 

He nodded. Rodrigue swallowed. 

"I have something I wanted to give you. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression." 

Felix raised an eyebrow. "Spit it out and I'll decide if I want to be offended or not." 

In lieu of spitting anything out, Rodrigue reached into his jacket and pulled out a small black velvet box. It was rectangular and big enough that he had trouble fitting it in one hand. Still, he placed it on the table and popped it open, facing it to Felix. 

He recognized it immediately. After all, the lily hairpin was in every wedding photo of his mother, perched carefully in her bun. 

"Let me explain," Rodrigue said, already cutting off the burning anger and frustration in Felix's chest. "Your mother's side passes this down each generation to the first daughter who is born, usually when they turn eighteen. Everyone wears it during their wedding. Your grandmother, her mother, her mother… It was going to be yours, but you transitioned so I never thought to bring it up. 

"But you're old enough to make the decision yourself now. It's up to you. If you don't want it, your aunt can take it and give it to her daughter. But your mother would have wanted you to have it." 

Felix still wanted to yell at him, but he swallowed that down in a way that would make his therapist proud. 

"What do you want me to do with it?" He asked instead.

Rodrigue looked pained. "Frankly? I think it would honor your mother if you were it. Asphodel was not very sentimental, but this was one thing she looked forward to seeing. But…" 

"She died. She won't see anything." Felix clenched and unclenched his jaw. Rodrigue nodded again. "What do you think she would have said?" 

"About what?" 

Felix didn't dignify that with a response. Rodrigue rubbed his jaw. He was actually growing a beard, finally, or at least a goatee, instead of the horrible stubble that he had worn for years and years. 

"I think — I know she would have supported you no matter what. She loved you, Felix. I know you can't remember much about her, but she did. Every day she thought you and Glenn were a blessing." He frowned. "It's dark, but I can tell you now — I'm glad, in a way, that she died before your brother did. Seeing him gone… it would have destroyed her." 

It said a lot that Felix wanted to cry from relief. He didn't, instead rubbing his face and looking away so that Rodrigue couldn't see the way his eyes were glassy. Rodrigue was kind enough to not point it out. 

"If you don't want it—"

Felix snatched the box off the table, snapping it closed. "I'll wear it for her. Not for you. Do you understand? Just for her." 

Rodrigue inclined his head. "Yes, I do." He smiled. "I'm proud of you, you know. You've grown into such a strong, smart young man. Any father would be lucky to have you." 

The lump in Felix's throat was not the result of tears. A few years ago, Felix would not have believed him. Now… 

"Thank you," he said. "I expect you to be there. At the wedding. You can't get out of it." 

"I wouldn't miss it for anything." 

And, for once, Felix believed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ashes8012)!


End file.
